Tuesday, June 11, 2013

My Big Adventure

I loved being pregnant, I thought wistfully a few days ago, remembering my full belly, the excitement of preparing the baby's room, the amusing way that people reacted when I entered a room, the fluttering within.

Then I remembered the fear, the constant, gnawing fear that something could -- would -- go wrong, that I would do something wrong or eat something wrong or I would do nothing and something would still go wrong. I remembered thinking, every day, that the only remedy for that crippling fear would be to have my child safe in my arms, finally. 

And then she was born, and the fear actually intensified with the realization that parenthood bestows only the power of influence, not control, and that the world, the wonderful, wide world, is also a terrible and dangerous world, and at some point, I would need to let my child find her own way through the wonder and the danger. 

For all of my fear and worry, however, motherhood has cultivated in me a strength and a sense of bravery that I did not know I possessed. Motherhood has been my greatest adventure. 
(Originally posted on the October Afternoon blog,  featuring the Travel Girl collection.)

My daughter is two years away from graduating from high school. Whenever I acknowledge this, I feel a momentary sense of paralysis, but when I push past that, I find strength and courage dwelling with surety beyond that brittle crust. 

I did not and do not have control -- control is just an illusion -- but I did and do possess the power of influence, and I continue to do my best to influence my daughter in ways that matter, so that someday -- sooner than I would like -- I will, despite my fears, stand behind her as she walks into the wonderful, dangerous world. My instincts may tell me to shelter her from it, but my mother's heart will know that this child will be a gift to that world. 

5 comments:

  1. beautiful ode to motherhood. I feel the same: always full of fears for my kids, anguish has become my daily bread! I love this layouts, and I love your words!:) hugs

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  2. what a beautiful post! I agree with your feelings..scary but behind my kids 100%!! I am totally loving this page--so inspirational to me!

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  3. This is seriously one of my fave layouts from you! Just love every little bit!

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  4. This is really fun. And that is a fantastic photo!

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  5. LOVE this layout. LOVE reading your post.

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